Injuries, the ref, the weather, mercury in retrograde. I heard all of it this weekend, and I ranked it, because that's the job.
5. "We were unlucky."
Luck is what you call it when you get outplayed for ninety minutes and don't want to say so. Weak opener, weaker follow-through.
4. "The pitch was uneven."
Both teams played on the same pitch. Only one of them is blaming the ground.
3. "Key players were out."
Sure. And the backup roster still had eleven grown adults who agreed to show up. Something else went wrong.
2. "The ref cost us the match."
A classic. Timeless. Also usually said by the team that missed three open looks in the first half. We'll get to the ref separately — he's earned his own article.
1. "Mercury is in retrograde."
Somebody actually said this to me. In a group chat. About a match. I have never respected an excuse more, purely for its commitment to nonsense. Number one, undisputed.
Honorable mention to "the flight was delayed," "nobody warmed up right," and my personal favorite, silence followed by a hard subject change. That one doesn't rank because it's not an excuse — it's a confession.
If your excuse isn't on this list, submit it. I promise to rank it fairly, which is to say, not fairly at all.